-Wii sucks because PS3/360 have achievements. Of course it does. Of course, certain Wii games have built-in achievements, but that doesn't count.
-Achievements are an innovation as big as motion controls. Achievements are a better innovation than motion controls. Indeed it does. It allows us to waste our time on something that's nearly impossible to get
-When you play Wii games, you do not feel any accomplishment. It's simply because you're not yelling at each other in an online match. I WANT THE RIGHT TO YELL LIKE A JACKASS!
-Mad World is awesome, it would have sold if it had achievements and social networking. Why not? It worked with Mirror's Edge
-Wants the Miis to copy Avatars in having clothes. And while we're at it, why not charge them money just to acquire said clothes
-Mentions Wii Sports Resort and other games by saying it has achievements in it. But says it doesn’t matter because the achievements do not go ‘beyond the game’. Becuase if it doesn't equal a measly score that's meant to show off, what's the use of Achievements?
-Mention people in the comments defending Nintendo. “Nintendo fanboys have brainwashed themselves.” IGN staff then mocks Nintendo fans by pretending to be brainwashed: “I don’t want achievements!” “I don’t want HD!” “I don’t want to just sit on the couch and just play!” “I don’t want to get up and wave my arms!” And I don't want to enjoy a game. I want to whine like a little pansy
-Quote: “Turning on my Wii is a very lonely experience” because Wii doesn’t have some Xbox Live system. Yeah. You need a credit card or debit card if you don't wanna be lonely
-”I don’t know anyone in the Bay area who doesn’t live with a room-mate.” (Not sure I want to interpret that…) It must be lonely in there
-Podcast then switches to talking about Cassamassina’s “Nintendo is lazy” column. For more reference, read my last post
-Talks about how Gamecube Nintendo used to push big huge games with cutting edge graphics. Exactly. Sad thing about this is that no one bought into em. I wonder why
-Says Nintendo stopped doing this because they couldn’t compete. (No mention of Blue Ocean Strategy.) And I blame this on the Playstation 2.
-”Wii has been phenomenally successful, but it is the first Nintendo console I do not want to play.” “A great example of this would be the new Super Mario Brothers for the Wii.” And yet I'm getting nightmares about how Nintendo is curb stomping the 360 and PS3 with their Wii. CURSE YOU NIGHTMARES!
-Mario 5 doesn’t set the world on fire in how it uses the Wii. It is just “Here’s the game!” Exactly. It's forcing us to enjoy the game without putting up a narrative.
-Call Mario 5 a DS port. “Nintendo just took everything that worked on the DS and just put it on the Wii.” I protest this. It should be an NES Port
-”That is how Nintendo has been so financially successful.” Ya know, that was a direct insult to Sony and Microsoft. Take that back IGN or I'll accuse you of being a pro-Nintendo Socialist.
-Says there was no money put into Mario 5. No money for Research and Development. Exactly. No money was put into that game, just like how Microsoft put no money into Halo 3: ODST, Activision put no money into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and Warner Bros put no money into Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
-Wii is a Gamecube with a new peripheral. Just like how the 360 is the old X-Box with gimped Backwards compatibility and better graphics, and the PS3 is a PS2 with Blu-Ray, better graphics, and PS2 compatibility ripped out of its circuits
-Nintendo has given up the battle of the epic games to Microsoft and Sony. “Absolutely,” replies another. Because epic games require being a first or third person shooter
-Nintendo doesn’t care to enter the battle of Microsoft and Sony. “And I think it is hurting them in the long run.” Exactly. It's because the Gamecube tried that and they got butthurt. Get back in there or I'll make ya
-Nintendo needs to go after the hardcore. One person says their mom has a Wii and hasn’t bought a game for it. All while millions of 360 and PS3 owners buy the newest Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Who needs all those extra games?
-One person used his Mom’s Wii, puts in the new Mario game, declares the Wii controllers are all dead, then updates the Wii’s firmware. Then says he updates the firmware yet again. Wait, could you repeat that again when my 360's firmware is updated?
-Craig Harris: Mario Galaxy is epic because of its story (as well as its texture mapping and cutscenes). However, Galaxy isn’t as good as games on the HD Twins because games on the HD Twins have more epic stories. Because you can never make an epic story on the Playstation 2, Gamecube or X-Box. Nope, never gonna happen.
-Craig Harris isn’t happy how people accept what Nintendo is doing by not putting epic stories into their games. “Link doesn’t talk!” If anything, Link should be voiced by Jason Anthony Grif*Gets booed at* Okay I'll shut up on that.
-Craig Harris after demanding that Nintendo games have voice acting: “I really want to play games like Uncharted 2 on the Wii.” And while we're at it, hire Michael Bay to do the special effects.
-”Assassin’s Creed 2 feels like a Mature Zelda game.” Exactly. Okami didn't count and it never count. Why? Because nether Zelda nor Okami teaches you how to assassinate
-Craig Harris: “I know video games are in the money making business. But companies like Microsoft and Sony are doing certain things and if Nintendo is going to sit back and relax…” then Sony and Microsoft will end up sitting back and relaxing.
-”They’re betting that the casual market will be there forever.” It's not going to last forever this expanding market. It's not like it's been here since the NES era.
-Nintendo is doomed because Wii is going to become like the N64. Sony is going to sneak up through them. Exactly. It will sneak through the 360 and Wii. Just as soon as Sony drops it further, then watch as the Wii bypasses them again as the NPD said
-”Wii totally reminds me of how it is used in casual households is like the crappy systems you see in Walgreens when you are checking out. Plug and play guitars!” “It’s like a little gimmick when you want to do something with it.” Yeah. Like Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Everyone wants it
-Keeps attacking the “casual audience”. Hands off my video game systems you leftist casuals.
-Likens the “casual players” to what caused the Atari crash in 1983 (not joking, they said it). Exactly. We should slam these guys for being casual all while we continue to buy the newest Madden and Call of Duty.
-Says Nintendo is where it is at the end of the latter SNES days where Nintendo is sitting comfortably and getting ready to make the N64. Says Nintendo will fall once Sony Wand and Microsoft Natal get released. Well I protest the Wand and Natal because it will fit Sony and Microsoft into Nintendo's shoes. DON'T DO THIS SONY AND MICROSOFT! DON'T GO AFTER THE CASUAL MARKET! IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
-Mentions an email where it asks Cassamassina, “Why don’t you go after Nintendo for being lazy with Mario Galaxy? It is, after all, tons of recycled content with purple coins and all.” They say this doesn’t count since “all games have that.” Yeah. Every game requires you to find purple coins to unlock the green gloop.
-Start bashing Phantom Hourglass. Welcome to 2 years ago
-Says Wii is best when emulating the PC. “like games as World of Goo.” That reminds me, when are they gonna do World of Warcraft: Wii Edition?
-Says if you are a new consumer looking for motion control, you will be wowed by Natal and Wand. Get off my systems you liberal gamers*barks like a dog*
-Say they like Wand because they actually hold it. Yeah, you actually hold it just like you hold a Wiimote
-Others say they are skeptical of both Natal and Wand since they are copying what Nintendo is doing. They're not just copying what Nintendo is doing, they're also trying to get the Casual audience. KEEP THOSE CASUALS AWAY! THE POWER OF MASTER CHIEF COMPELS YOU!
-Another email says NSMB Wii is being knocked more than it should. Is annoyed people are bashing the side scroller. They disagree with the email and says Nintendo didn’t do anything with Mario 5 except putting out a red box. That's all they did. They didn't put in Koopalings with all new character models with slight redesigns.
-In a Japanese magazine, Miyamoto says he wanted the gameplay to be the same for all four characters in Mario 5. No. I wanted a gun-toting Hedgehog in New Super Mario Bros Wii...or at least a cursing squirrel.
-Reads an email who says that Mario 5 was scored too high by IGN and should be below an 8. Yeah. While we're at it, I think Super Mario Galaxy was rated too high. Score it around a 4.9 and you'll get my approval.
-Says Gamecube was a hardcore system (I thought it was a kiddy system?) Exactly. And the PS2 was a kiddie casual system. CURSE YOU PLAYSTATION 2
-Starts bashing Animal Crossing Wii and Wii Music. ME HATE ANIMAL CROSSING AND WII MUSIC! ME HATE PEOPLE LIKING IT! ME WANNA THROW FIT LIKE HULK! HULK NOT DO MATH! HULK SMASH!
-”What is the point of complaining?” says an email. “Because we got tons of comments and tons of traffic,” answers Harris. This is perhaps why this podcast is so intentionally bad. Inspired by Glenn Beck
-Bashes the Quarter 1 release schedule from Nintendo. All while Wii Fit continued to dominate in the NPD Software
-Talk about their favorite Wii games. Mention Mario Kart Wii and Boom Blox. No. You do NOT praise ANY WII games. That is unlawful IGN! BASH THEM AND BASH THEM GOOD YOU SON OF A SUBMARINERS!
-Doesn’t know why Excitebots isn’t selling. I'll tell you why. THAT GAME HAS NO GUNS! NO GUNS, NO BLOOD, NO SALE! You put guns in that game, and I'll make a deal
-Harris admits he thinks Mario 5 is one of the top games for the system (odd for bashing it so much earlier in this podcast) This is hypocritcism. You do NOT bash Mario 5, then go to praise it. Back to your bashing, NOW!
-One email asks if Blaster Master sells well on VC, will it get a sequel? (Doesn’t appear they answer this.) I got an answer. Does that game have realistic graphics? No? Tough noogies.
-Says no one will try a VC game they haven’t played. Because they're all too busy waiting for what they wanna play and that's it.
-Email complains about how Daemon’s WiiWare reviews all complain about leaderboards not being online. He's complaining that there aren't online leaderboards because that's a way to brag, all while some jackass takes your spot away and you respond by sending them a retarded message
-Tells developers, who might be listening, that it is 2010 that they should only put arcade games with online leaderboards. Creativity? Pssh. Who needs that? Just slap online leaderboards onto a game you already made, throw it onto WiiWare/XBLA/PSN/Steam and call it a day
-Email asks if Project Hammer being resurrected with Motion Plus. No answer, just hyena sounds as they laugh at their own jokes you can’t make out. *Throws rotten meat into the pack*
At first, when I read it, I was inspired. But as I went on, I saw them as the one thing that is killing the gaming industry....casuals. They're eating away at our playtime like how Termites eat at our house. Which is why I have a proposal to IGN. If you want a totally unbiased journalist at your helm to trash the Wii(And maybe everything else), I have just the man for the job.
That's right: Host of his own show on Fox News: Glenn Beck.
He'll teach gamers why the Wii, along with the rest of the gaming industry, is a leftist video game console that promotes Socialism, all while telling gamers that gold is a more worthy investment than video games.
IGN, do us all a favor and invite Glenn Beck. He'll do a better job than these has-beans in that recent sorry excuse for a podcast.
Works Cited: Malstrom’s Articles News
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