The Sonic Cycle is not something to be broken

Folks, I am as mad as HFIL. And for many reasons. Days ago, Sonic Colors released on the Wii and DS. And do you know why I'm fuming? According to MetaCritic, both games have the following score

Wii version: 78/100
DS version: 80/100

What happened? I haven't been disappointed in being disappointed since Viva Pinata was well received. In fact, I am fuming over these positive reviews from the following sources.

Vandal Online: We can say without hesitation than this is the best Sonic game for the Wii, and maybe the best Sonic 3D ever made.
Eurogamer Italy: Sonic Colours embraces everything a SEGA fan could ever hope for or dream. Platforming has rarely been so fun and engaging.
Nintendo Power: A fantastic game. Not just a step in the right direction, but an unequivocal success. In fact, it's the best entry in the series since the Blue Blur's 16-bit heyday. [Dec 2010, p.78]
IGN Sonic Colors is a dizzying combination of the distantly familiar memories of the first few Sonic titles combined with thoughtful new abilities and mostly well executed level design.
1UP: Despite some of the end-game content feeling designed to annoy the hell out of those who made it that far, the tally of cheap deaths can't detract from the facts: Sonic Colors is the best 3D Sonic game in ages.
GameSpot: Sonic Colours offers a mix of 3D action and classic Sonic side-scrolling with dazzling visuals and exhilarating platforming.

How dare they say its a good game. HOW DARE THEY! And how dare this game violates the Sacred Sonic Cycle.

Due to space reasons, you can click here to look at it.

Folks. The Sonic Cycle isn't a cycle to judge if a Sonic game will be bad. It is more than that. It is a relic that is meant to be respected and obeyed. This cycle is suppose to tell us that we need to remain in the status quo, even if it spreads to other franchises like Final Fantasy. To say that this game breaks the Sonic Cycle is blasphemy, even if they are right I still say its blasphemy.

But there is good news. At least 1 reviewer panned it: Jim Sterling of Destructoid.

Destructoid: Sonic Colors feels like a step right back into the same *CENSORED* this series has drowned in for the past decade. If I had to pick a color for this game, it would be brown, for very obvious reasons.

A good eye Jim for respecting and obeying the Sonic Cycle. I would praise you, if not for the fact that you GAVE THE DS VERSION A POSITIVE SCORE.

Destructoid(DS Version: Sonic Colors DS is the best Sonic game released this year. Easily.

STERLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*Shakes Fist* What the heck were you doing? How dare you say that the game is the best Sonic game released this year and giving it a 85/100. I demand you strike 40 points off the score and state this

Sonic Colors DS is the best Sonic game released this year. But that's not saying much at all because even ET for the Atari is better than this hunk of stinky garbage

And the irony of these reviews is that Sonic Colors is now equal to the reviews of Sonic 4 Wii, which is higher than Sonic 4 for PS3 and 360. But something else has struck my nerve with Jim Sterling. FOllowing his reviews of both Sonic Games, this happened

For a sense of scale, I’m 6’2″, and yet if I laid down next to this image, I would only just about be tall enough to lick Sonic’s little furry *CENSORED*. You ever been to a convention and seen those giant canvas banners hanging from the wall? Yeah … now I have one in my rain-soaked back garden.For the record, I have a very short list of suspects who would have orchestrated this, and as soon as I work out what the Hell I’m going to DO with this thing, I will start working out how to get you *CENSORED* back.

Still, at least Sega has a better sense of humor about reviews than most Sonic fans.

Well I'm glad you have a sense of humor, because I DON'T! How dare you get something for doing a negative review of a video game. You should be ashamed of yourself. You and SEGA, Jim Sterling.

Actually, that does sound like a good idea. Tune in for when I review Sonic Colors and show how much this game bites in every way possible, and hope SEGA sends me something for my troubles.

Works Cited:
Meta Critic Sonic COlors Wii
Meta Critic Sonic Colors DS
TSSZ News(Original article at Destructoid